One Year Mark
I’ve been in the United States for college for a year now!
I’ve grown up.
I think I’m more relaxed now, but it’s still hard to describe my status quo. I think about things a lot, but I don’t know if it’s helpful or if it’s just impulsive thinking when I have anxiety.
I’ve met a lot of very good people here, and I’m very lucky for that. Yesterday I met my friends in a discord server, and one of them said that she thought I’m living in my friend’s house instead of an airbnb. I’ve learned a lot of subtle things from those I met with. My mom said that she thinks I’m healthier than before, I… don’t think so.
Well, granted, it’s eaiser to be healthy to live in a relatively more normal society, and one big difference would be I can discuss with others about what goes wrong in this society, as if it’s a group therapy. When I just got here, I wasn’t familiar with the place and I was a little naive. I internalized a lot of the biases against “foreigners” (I didn’t even know the word xenophobia). As for now… I’m glad I won’t live here forever (??). I don’t think the grass is greener elsewhere, but I want to live in different places regardless.
The good thing about thinking in this way is that, I can say whatever I want without the fear of making anyone unhappy. I don’t know if it’s the case with other places, but wherever I go, I find that there are certain norms of communications, which might be the reason I don’t like socialization in general. I hate repetitive things, but breaking the norm requires some courage, because it can often lead to an embarrasing moment of silence, as the person I talk to might not know how to respond.
Sometimes I really hope that my friends from China can be around me, because there are things I can’t talk about with any others besides with my therapist. They are the only people who can really understand me sometimes. I was forced to meet new friends, and I do learn a lot from the those I met here, sometimes it’s really weird things…
Through constant communications, what I learned besides I’m not anti-social is that, the difference between humans is not… primarily due to regional differences. Before I came here, I heard a lot about the identity crisis, the moral dilemma in being assimilated, but in my case, I don’t think it was those problems. My problems are mainly about how to communicate with the others. Sometimes I became very self-conscious. Usually it’s because I might know unconsciously I probably shouldn’t talk about certain topics related to my background, or at least I shouldn’t talk about it in that setting, but I really need to talk about those things to the point that I don’t pick my audience (thanks goodness I have a therapist, what a poor being…) Basically, what perspective I should use when I talk about those things? If it’s my individual perspective, then there’s no problems, but do my audiences realize it’s my own personal perspective? If they don’t realize this, it’s not my fault, but I don’t want to contribute more biases to this world full of biases (damn).
The easiest way is to make the topics closer to my present daily life, for instance how awful the dining halls are, how difficult the homework is, how horrible the weather is, and what we can do together as friends…
The only problem is, obviously, I still have some of the habit before I came here, and overthinking is part of it…
As a constant overthinker, I can’t think of a reasonable conclusion for the journal. In summary, I’ve learned a lot and I’m very happy in this year. Leaving a familiar place to live is very difficult, and I’ve done it fairly well. Maybe I can be more calm next year, but it’s fine if I’m not, as this world is abnormal anyway.
This is an attempt to see how well my Chinese matches English language, and yes they match very well. I don’t know if this is a good thing, but it was surely interesting to see how they align with each other. Just some weird billingual moments.